Standing at the front door, mom holds tightly to brother and I. You've scared us and we want to leave - if only for awhile. We see the unpredictable rage in your eyes as you point a gun at your fear stricken family.
My child self always watchful and fearful of your disrespectful words and deeds. You demand respect - yet you never offered it to others or your family. I learn to watch and listen to you very carefully, silently disapproving of the ways you treat others.
As I aged I taught myself not to be like you. A burning question echoes in my heart & mind' "how could I have been born from such a man?"
Wanting to shun my family name because of you,
wanting to run away but not wanting to leave mom behind.
In the kitchen mom hides the bottles filled with her pain and fear.
Pretending to love a man who perverts family, love & respect
Afraid to say why she hurts - or just to walk away.
Oh the ways we pretend
how we all pretend
Pretending to love & respect a man who teaches only disrespect & hatred
forcing predjudism, sexism, hypocracy and perversion into our lives
wanting his family and friends to be like him, unpredictably disrespectful, hateful, violent, vengeful.
Family secrets - talking behind closed doors
What can we do? Where can we go?
We talk behind your back - asking what is wrong with you?
we fear to approach you - to help you.
I reach out to you in kindness, showing my heart to you
sharing what I've taught myself in desperation to shake off your demented influences; Taoism, Buddhism, Jiddu Krishnamurti I share
Your disrespectful ego puts up its defenses - behind my back you twist my words as you throw daggers into my heart
My memories of reality I unleash upon him
yet he denies - he denies -
How can he deny?!
Deny memories I know to be real
Pointing guns at his family - intentions unknown
Dad drinks to forget
drinks to disconnect
he drinks and forgets how to connect
Martini and beer after beer after beer after beer
drowning out reality and memories of rage
How many young ladies & women did you chase away from my open arms?
Your overly perverse lecherous actions made them run
made them run from my father - a man with no SELF CONTROL
chasing other women while your family watched in disbelief
Drinking & hating - mentally scarring his own family
Mom drinks to forget
she drinks to disconnect
drinks to disconnect & forget
to drown out the pain of pretending to love a man she secretly hates.
As time goes by with you I witness more inexcusable actions you repeat over and over and over again and again and again
I cannot help but be ashamed of you
I observe you closely and learn how NOT TO BE LIKE YOU
In m y young mind - a mantra rings out -
I never want to be like you dad.
I never want to be like my dad.
I never want to be like you
I never want to hate
I never want to intentionally disrespect
I never want to harm a loved one
I never want to be like you
I never want to be like you
dad